Inner Banks Laughter - Medical Humor

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 AM, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just after the clock struck 11:00, Maria Gonzales, the part-time Sunday cleaning lady, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system for that bed so she could use the vacuum cleaner.

Inner Banks Laughter - Education Humor

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

Inner Banks Laughter - Child Humor

Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"

"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Inner Banks Laughter - Darwin Awards

We recently had a neighbor, new to both the Inner Banks and to rural life, call the local administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

Inner Banks Laughter - Darwin Awards

A pair of would be Michigan robbers entered a bank nervously waving their guns. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Carpenter’s Tools - I’m believin’ for some SNOW!

By Pastor Wallace Phillips – January 25th, 2007


Well what’s going on in your life this week? It’s cold….cooooolllllld as I write this column. Matter of fact --- in the 20’s. It’s the coldest that we’ve had so far this winter. But I am disappointed. I’m looking for the white stuff! I want it to snow. You guys in Hertford might recall that “Pastor Keith” was constantly lookin’ for it too. I’m with him. I want to see the manifestation of God’s power to create ice cream fixins’ all over the ground.

You may not be looking for snow, but I am. The bible says that the “heavens declare the glory of God”. This is a great way for God to show you the variety He has in His divine ability. You’ll see His glory! Come on…don’t you want to see God do something special? I do. So pray this simple prayer --- “Dear Lord….please honor that Ahoskie pastor’s request and let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!”

Please visit us on the web at http://www.cscministries.com/ or http://www.wallacephillips.org/

Inner Banks Laughter - Political Humor

A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that 'Saddam Hussein is a miserable lowlife', and he yelled back that 'Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk'."

"So I said that 'Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, ugly, mean-spirited lesbian!' He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton'!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us!!!"

Carpenter’s Tools - The Right Start! . . . . .

By Pastor Wallace Phillips – January 19, 2007


Have you ever moved through the course of a day and found yourself saying to someone…”I guess I got up on the wrong side of the bed!” Things just didn’t go right…you were grumpy….you were unfocused…..or non-productive? Well it really doesn’t matter if you get out of bed on one side or the other, if you even get out at the foot of the bed. What matters if what you do when you get out.

Do you find yourself a lonely place; you know, a chair in the corner, the extra bedroom, or at the kitchen table while everyone else is sleeping? Just consider getting the right start in a few moments of communion with the Lord. David said, “Early in the morning will I seek Thee and call upon Thy Name!” Jesus said, “But seek FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness…”. You and I can get out of that bed in any manner imaginable, but the important thing is what we do when our feet hit the floor. Go ahead….get out of that bed and get the right start!

Please visit us on the web at http://www.cscministries.com/ or http://www.wallacephillips.org/

Ed Jones And Ann Mobley To Fill Open Positions

Ed Jones was selected new Senator for our area. Check out the complete story on the Democratic Party Executive Committee meeting held yesterday by clicking on the link below:
http://bertiecounty.blogspot.com/2007/01/ed-jones-is-to-be-our-new-senator.html





Above, Don Davis, Chairman for the District congratulates Ann Mobley on her selection as new Representative for our area. Check out the complete story on the Democratic Party Executive Committee meeting held yesterday by clicking on the link below:
http://bertiecounty.blogspot.com/2007/01/ann-mobley-is-to-be-our-new.html

Inner Banks Laughter - Political Humor

It has finally become clear why men prefer Republican women.

Republican Women

Democrat Women

Click on thumbnails for larger pictures.

Carpenter’s Tools - The Face You Know. The Name You Trust . . . . .

By Pastor Wallace Phillips – January 12th, 2007


Several years ago I wrote a Carpenter’s Tools article about trust. I used a phrase that was familiar to our city – the face of a pig. It was not just any pig. It was the Piggly Wiggly pig. That phrase is on their corporate bag that many of you readers’ groceries are packed in on a weekly basis. That bag somehow communicated that message that when you see the face of the pig it was indicative of a trustworthy trip to their local grocery store.

I used it then to show just how important it is to have a good name. In fact, Proverbs 22:1 reminds us…”A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.”

I write today with the same title, and I use the same teaching. A good name is important. Solomon says it has more value than that of riches. Yes…I use the same title…the same words…the same scripture, but a different face. This week, it’s the face of Jerry Castelloe; the store manager. I met him some 15 years ago when I came to Ahoskie. That was the beginning of a relationship that has been professional, social, and spiritual. I am grateful for the influence that Jerry has in our community.

Upon my entrance into the Piggly Wiggly just a few days ago, I inquired as usual with a “Is Jerry here?” The answer came back….”Jerry’s not here. He retired from the store.” I found myself dialing his number just to chat. I know that many people will miss you Jerry. You brought warmth and a sense of caring to the public position that you held for many years. Thank you for your kindness. We always knew your face…and we trusted you. Our trips to that local business were always more than just another shopping experience.

“A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.”

Please visit us on the web at http://www.cscministries.com/ or http://www.wallacephillips.org/

Inner Banks Laughter - Darwin Awards

A community college professor gave his students an impromptu lesson in safety during his safety class. The professor assumed the 40-mm shell he had found on a recent hunting trip must be inert. He kept the round and used it as a paperweight on his desk. After all, ordnance is such a unique conversation piece.

One spring morning, a bug crawled across his desk. Should he squash it with a tissue? Sweep it out the door? Leave it to pursue its happy existence, and continue on with his lesson? No; the professor picked another alternative. He took up the "inert" artillery shell and slammed it onto the insect.

The impact set off the primer, but luckily not the rest of the explosives in the shell. The resulting explosion caused him burns and shrapnel lacerations on his hand, forearm, and torso. No one else in the classroom was hurt. His actions did succeed in two respects: the bug was eliminated and the class learned an important lesson.

Carpenter’s Tools - A Letter or Two . . . . .

By Pastor Wallace Phillips – January 6th, 2007


It’s amazing how just a letter or two can make a major difference. Recently two ladies in our congregation were planning to meet for a little fellowship here in Ahoskie. One of them said to the other….”Meet me at Wendy’s at 5:30 PM on Wednesday before church.” The two ladies agreed and at 5:30 PM one of the ladies arrives at Wendy’s, while the other one arrives at Andy’s. Both sat and waited for an extended time.

Finally, one of the ladies comes to the church a little before 7:00 PM and is terribly worried about her friend. She had backtracked to the places that she thought she would find her, to no avail. Momentarily she arrives at the church also, realizing that “Wendy’s and Andy’s” are close, but a letter or two makes a major difference.

The same is true in the biblical sense. John opens his gospel by telling us that “In the beginning was the Word; the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” (KJV). Our friends who knock on doors and follow the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures (Jehovah Witnesses) have included the article “a” in this foundational passage making it read like this --- “…the Word was with God, and the Word was a god.” That, my friend is deadly! It kills the very foundation of biblical truth. John goes on to tell us that “the Word became flesh” in the life of Jesus Christ. Christ is the Word! But one little letter inserted in the text destroys the very deity of Christ. He was not “a god”! He was God and IS God!

Be careful! A letter or two can make a major difference. And….it can rob you of your hamburger and your fellowship with a friend.

Oh…by the way….Andy’s has the better burger! Have a great week and serve the Lord Jesus with gladness.

Please visit us on the web at http://www.cscministries.com/ or http://www.wallacephillips.org/

Inner Banks Laughter - Tax Humor

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his pastor, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the pastor. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck." But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Carpenter’s Tools - Press On . . . . .

By Pastor Wallace Phillips – Column For January 1st, 2007


2007!!! Can you believe it? It’s here…it’s off…and running! Before you know it, you’ll be pickin’ up that special box of candy for your Valentine. In fact, I saw the employees of “Wally World” stocking the shelves with hearts today. No sooner than the Christmas goods are marked down and moved out, the hearts make the shelf. The year moves just that fast.

Are you ready for it? Or are you still worrying about something that happened or didn’t happen in ’06? Well, you might as well forget it; get over it; deal with it. In fact, do what Paul says -- “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13,14 NIV.

Paul’s words are inspiring!

I must warn you though….he calls for “pressing”. You must exert the labor of your heart, mind, and soul. Press on! Don’t let anything stop you. Press! Press! Press! Run as if to win the prize! Don’t let the mistakes of the past or the voices of discouragement stop you. Press on!

Please visit us on the web at http://www.cscministries.com/ or http://www.wallacephillips.org/