Inner Banks Laughter - Political Humor

"Today is Presidents Day," Bill Clinton said at a campaign stop here for his wife before Ohio's Democratic primary. "It's a day when we look back on two centuries of American leadership and remember all the presidents who were almost as great as me."

If you think he meant this as a joke, you are a Democrat.

If you think he was serious, you are a Republican.

And if you think he was telling a joke but forgot the punchline, you are an Independent.

Inner Banks Laughter - Political Humor

New trouble at theater: [The NEW] Manager's gone

by Jonathan Cox - February 19th, 2008 - News & Observer

The Roanoke Rapids Theatre [known in infamy as the Randy Parton Theatre] is without a manager sooner than city leaders expected.

UGL Unicco said Monday that it was walking away from the troubled venue, about 90 miles northeast of Raleigh, because it had to pay vendors and other expenses out of pocket. Roanoke Rapids owes Unicco about $100,000, according to a company statement.

Roanoke Rapids' City Council, after a lengthy discussion behind closed doors, last week voted to end an agreement with Unicco. Officials expected a 30-day transition, but Unicco said it was in an "untenable position."

"UGL Unicco is forced to leave this project immediately," the statement said.

Is anyone surprised that this fiasco just keep getting worse. You would think this city could not possibly do anything to look dumber than it already had. But . . . I really don't know what is happening here, no one can really tell from the little that is explained in the article. However based on the track record to date who can be blamed for thinking this town is run by a posse of buffoons? Do you think that anyone else can be found to run this theatre now that they have bungled two contracts in a row? I know I wouldn't touch it without some serious guarantees.


ROTFL

Inner Banks Laughter - Drug Humor

Just when you think there's no justice . . . A news article from a Florida Newspaper:

'When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was a 'generic white cardboard box filled with grayish-white powder.' (That, at least, is the way the police described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, 'that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.'

Then, Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'

Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.

The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was this note. It said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.'

Inner Banks Laughter - Political Humor

Thanks to Lucianne.com for this "photo" of the Clintons true attitude towards Obama! Lucianne is a great site. You should check it out.

Inner Banks Laughter - Environmental Humor

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding 2 ponds on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.





SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T1 1N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam projects, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam projects any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.





These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank you,

Ryan Devries & The Dam Beavers

Inner Banks Laughter - Police Humor

A cop pulls over a guy.

"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"

"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"