Inner Banks Laughter - Blond Humor

Three blonds sat down in a bar and ordered a round of drinks. When the drinks came, they raised their glasses to toast and shouted, "51 hours".

They ordered a second round shortly there after. When this round came, they again raised their glasses to toast and shouted, "51 hours".

As the blonds ordered the third round the bar tender said, "I have to ask. What does 51 hours mean?"

One blond bragged, "We just finished a jig saw puzzle in 51 hours."

The bar tender could not help but ask, "Is that really so fast?"

The blond replied rather haughtily, "Well duh, it said on the box '3 to 5 years'."

Carpenter’s Tools - Message from the Monkeys . . .

By Pastor Wallace Phillips - August 25th, 2006

My wife and I frequent a local New York City style coffee shop in our quaint little town of Ahoskie. It’s called Mug Shotz. We often pick up a cup of coffee and breakfast snack to get the day started. This particular morning we were sitting there on the comfy black leather sofa hiding away in the corner. On the brick hearth there they were sitting…3 little monkeys. One had his fingers plugged in his ears. The second had his hands cupped over his eyes. The third little monkey had his hand cupped over his mouth. The message was clear from these little monkeys – Hear no evil. See no evil. Speak no evil.

I quickly surmised that these little guys could help me preach the message on Sunday. I turned and asked the owner, Brenda, if I could take these little critters with me and bring them back on Monday morning. She accommodated me and into a grocery bag they went. I made my way to the office as Joy and I said farewell for the day. As I entered the building, I turned right instead of left and pace toward the sanctuary. The monkeys are ready. They stand tall on our communion table with their furry little hands in place. One in ears, one over eyes, and one over mouth.

They speak the message object style that you and I hear from God’s Word over and over again. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” “Walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the desires of the flesh.” “Get the beam out of your eye before you find the speck in your brother’s eye.” On and on, Jesus spoke to us about our walk on this earth. If you don’t get the message from Jesus, or from me, please listen to my monkeys.

Please visit us on the web at http://www.cscministries.com/ or http://www.wallacephillips.org/

Inner Banks Laughter - Education Humor

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Manning Miffed At HCHS Progress

by Cal Bryant - August 21st, 2006 - Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald

On Friday in Wake County Superior Court, Judge Manning said he was satisfied with the progress of all but one of 17 low-performing high schools in the state.

That lone exception is Hertford County High School.

“Someone is going to have to go in there and ride herd starting next week,” Judge Manning said Friday while addressing a reporter with the Raleigh News & Observer.”

Great article Cal. Thanks for keeping us up to date with what is happening in this case.

Inner Banks Scenic Parkway Presentations

Ron Toppin has proposed a great new transportation artery for the Inner Banks of North Carolina. His original proposal is shown on his campaign web site at http://www.rontoppin.com/inner_banks_hwy.htm.

You can see an updated proposal on the Task Force web site http://scenicparkway.blogspot.com

Inner Banks Scenic Parkway

A group of us are so excited by this proposal that we are taking on the task of communication of the concept to all of the county governments affected, and forming a group of eco-tourism interested parties to take over promotion of the idea to the NCDOT. This group is called the Inner Banks Scenic Parkway Task Force.

The schedule of presentations to county governments is as follows:

Tuesday - September 5th @ 9:00 AM - Hertford County
Tuesday - September 5th @ 6:00 PM - Washington County

Monday - September 11th @ 11:00 AM - Gates County
Monday - September 11th @ 3:00 PM – Beaufort County
Monday - September 11th @ 7:00 PM - Bertie County

Monday - September 18th @ 8:30 AM - Craven County
Monday - September 18th @ 7:30 PM - Pamlico County

Anyone who is interested in environmentally friendly development for the Inner Banks is invited to join us in this worthy cause.

Inner Banks Laughter - Political Humor

At a recent meeting of our Republican club there was a disagreement over the opening prayer. Some wanted a short prayer followed by the Treasurer's report. Others wanted the Treasuer's report followed by a long prayer.

Favorable Ruling For Schools Report Except For Hertford County

by Todd Silberman - August 18th, 2006 - News & Observer

RALEIGH — Most of the state's lowest-performing high schools won a favorable ruling today from a state judge who has threatened to close them unless they took aggressive steps to improve student achievement.

With just a week left before the first day of school in most districts, Judge Howard Manning Jr. said that he was generally satisfied with a report from a state high school official, who testified that most of the low-scoring schools would be starting the new term with able principals and well-crafted plans for improvement.

The only exception noted in the report is Hertford County, which appears to be the only County that Manning is not pleased with. It will be interesting to see what happens next. We encourage the Hertford County High School school staff to get a plan together fast. Our children deserve it.

Inner Banks Laughter - Male Humor

There is a reason that a business conference takes an average of two hours and prayer takes an average of 30 seconds.

Men don't listen. God does.

Inner Banks Laughter - Female Humor

Every Sunday Father Donovan, a preacher at a small church in the little town of Juniper, MO, tried to make the Bible accessible to his congregation through his sermons. On this particular Sunday, Father Donovan proclaimed, "If you ever feel adrift in the sea of life, just turn to the Bible for guidance. All life's experiences are immortalized in the good book, and it will help you find your way to shore."

After church Mrs. Francis approached the preacher and said, "Father Donovan, I don't think every life experience is in the Bible. Nowhere in the Bible have I ever read about PMS." Father Donovan had never heard such a comment, so that night he sifted through the Bible to see if Mrs. Francis was right. Next Sunday Father Donovan pulled Mrs. Francis aside after church and said, "I wasn't wrong last Sunday when I said that every life experience is mentioned in the Bible."

"Okay, Father. Where does it say anything about PMS?"

Father Donovan opened up his Bible and showed her a passage that read: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Carpenter’s Tools - I’m lovin’ it! . . . . .

By Pastor Wallace Phillips - August 12th, 2006

Travel with me to the drive-thru at McDonalds – You know, you get in the traffic line and approach that little speaker on a pole and hear the distorted message of someone who says, “GoodmorningwelcometoMcDonaldscanItakeyourorderplease?” Sometimes it sounds like the longest word you’ve ever heard in another language disguised as a question about what you want to order. You assume the question and make your selection. Driving to the window to pay and receive you’re just hoping that you’re on the right track.

As I journey to Ronald’s house I scurried through the drive and on to the pick-up window. A dear lady passes the bag through the window, I pay, and she smiles and says, “Have a wonderful mornin’!” I thought….”This lady got up early, she works at a fast food restaurant, I don’t know what she’s facing in life, she has to meet the public all day long, and she says, ‘Have a wonderful mornin’’ with a big smile. I’m lovin’ it! It doesn’t take much to make you happy. Smile and someone….they will usually smile back. Go ahead, try it. You’ll feel better. They’ll feel better, God’ll love it!

Please visit us on the web at http://www.cscministries.com/ or http://www.wallacephillips.org/

Inner Banks Laughter - Late Night Jokes

Jay Leno:

British authorities said they were able to detect the terrorist plot using a surveillance program that the "New York Times” hadn’t got around to exposing yet.

Woodland PD Strengthens Force

by Thadd White - August 11th, 2006 - Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald

WOODLAND - The town of Woodland is providing more service for its citizens and, at the same time, relieving some of the pressure of Police Chief Don Ryan.

Thursday afternoon, Woodland Mayor Jay Jenkins and the town board swore in Officer Kevin Byrd, the first of four lawmen who will be joining the town’s police force.

“Every municipality around us has fulltime and part-time officers,” Jenkins said. “We were one of few that didn’t.”

It is encouraging that government is focusing on the primary duty of government, to allow people to live their own lives by protecting them from others. Let us hope that this is the focus and this is not a tax collecting effort to issue traffic tickets for revenue purposes.

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Carpenter’s Tools - In the Mouth of the Port!….

By Pastor Wallace Phillips - July 28th, 2006

That’s right! I’m writing to you from the mouth of the busy port off the Atlantic coast near the Elizabeth and the James – Portsmouth, Virginia. I’m preaching a tent meeting for Pastor Ron Thompson of Mount Sinai United Holy Church in the inner city of Portsmouth. He has a heart to reach the people that God has assigned to his hands in this impoverish urban area of the Tidewater.

I feel like I am in a hamlet in India again -- A tent for a church, the homeless in all directions, extreme heat, and a gathering of hungry souls that await the presence of God. Tent revivals are not the most popular ministry venues, but they are in order in some places. After the first night of swatting insects, waving fans, and drinking water, I can assuredly say, I’m in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

Prior to the beginning of the service I wandered down streets lined with the homeless and the poor. I invited them to come out to hear the message of God’s love. It seemed strange to have this white man walking around an all-black community with a smile on his face extending an invitation for them to join, but my efforts paid off as we had as many outside the tent as we had under it. There was anticipation to this series of meetings.

I preached in the Virginia twilight. Many made their way to listen to us proclaim the message of faith in God from the life of Abraham. Genesis 12 records the story. God asked this man to leave the comforts of his father’s provision and step out into a land that he didn’t even know. God would show him, but he had to have the willingness to leave first. “God is asking you to “leave” a life of sin and embrace a life of righteousness and following Christ,” I said. “God is asking some of you to leave an environment that you know is not right,” I continued.

The altar was filled with folk broken to tears; each having their own issue that they would pray about. I saw the power of God move sweetly on the lives of all who gathered there. He is faithful.

On this evening and the next two, God asked Joy and I to leave the comforts of our ministry base in Ahoskie; to leave the air conditioned sanctuary and all that comes with that provision, and share the love of God with the poor of this community. I’m glad we left when God posed this question to us. He showed up in spirit and in power and the tent was not an issue. The heat was not an issue. The crime-filled streets were not an issue. There was joy in heaven because we shared the love of Father God with the poor of this city.

What is God asking you to leave? Don’t be selfish. Don’t be afraid. When you “leave” you will find that you receive all that Abraham did. You get direction, you get promises, you get strength…to do all that God ask of you for that season. He is faithful.

Pray for the inner city of Portsmouth today. Pray for the inner city of where you live. Pray for His love to abound and for the people to feel His wonderful spirit.

Please visit us on the web at http://www.cscministries.com/ or http://www.wallacephillips.org/

Melon Fest Begins Wednesday

by Cal Bryant - July 31st, 2006 - Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald

Tomorrow (Wednesday), Murfreesboro will begin welcoming an expected 40,000 guests over a four-day period as the 21st annual North Carolina Watermelon Festival gets underway.

“All of the planning is over and now it’s time to get down to business,” said Kay Mitchell-Thomas, co-chairperson of the event. “We invite everyone to come join in on what we call a real taste of the South.”

The event opens at 4 p.m. with a barbecue dinner hosted by the Murfreesboro Chamber of Commerce. Music, amusement rides and Bingo will follow.

Everyone I know is planning to be at the Festival. That includes the Inner Banks Patriot Blogs! We will have a picture dominated article of all that happens. Check back often to see what happened.

Better yet, join us at the festival. You might get your picture on the Intnernet!